Working Overtime and Revealing Secrets

So how did I do yesterday with the speaking sweetly and being patient?

Fairly well, actually. And then 6 o'clock hit and the Beast Mom emerged for a split second when Cade was told for the sixth time to stop teasing his sister. I was so close. Just an hour shy of bed time and I could have claimed a victory. Alas.

The cyle remains the same: After the moment of frustration/anger/exasperation passes, the guilt quickly sets in, and I reflect upon my decision to become a parent, and all the responsibilities that come with it and once again I promise to myself I am going to be better and do more.

Approaching and passing through different seasons of young-motherhood, I snicker at myself as I stumble so much along the way. Five years ago I was pregnant with my first child. FIVE YEARS! Have I changed much in five years? Honestly? Not nearly as much as I'd like to have. I still have old habits I've wanted to break since I was 16, and personality defects that I wish to reprogram. I still am not a morning person, I am chronically tardy, hopelessly un-cool when it comes to style (i've struggled with that all my life. see picture below), and when I'm upset rarely is there an in-between. I either fly off the handle or give the silent treatment. When I think that FIVE years have passed and how LONG that really is, I get this pit in my stomach. Part of me wishes I could turn the dial on Marty McFly's DeLorean and start over again. Cade's almost in school and I feel like I've failed the poor kid. I've not cherished his time home. I've wished away way too many moments, and have so much still to teach him before I let him loose in the wide, wide world of bigness.

Homeschooling is sounding better each day.

I hate having that pit in my stomach. That pit says, "You are losing the battle against time, Michelle. Think of all you could have done. All the fun places you could have taken him, all the great games you could have played with him, but instead--- this is the place you are in. A place of remorse, regret, and a place that can never buy you back those years."

Is this what parenting is all about? Regret? Wishing time would slow or turn back? Are we always wishing the kids to stop growing? I feel like I am. Cade's first year was such a blur it makes me cry. I was still in college at the time. His second year was fun and I did enjoy that, however I kept looking toward that next stage in life. The stage of permanence and being done with school and not moving around so much. (haha. oh the irony. I guess we are destined to be nomads) The year after that was miserable because I was pregnant, then once that was over, Cade hit the horrible threes and I spent much of my time wishing those days away.....and here we are and I am in a place again where I love this sweet little boy and now it's almost time for me to give him up.

Kyle loves to tease me and talk to me about when Cade gets married. He thinks it'll make me cry, but honestly, that just seems so inconceivable that I can't even register the thought. And then I bring up to him about Savvy going on her first date and that usually keeps him quiet. But still, if these last 5 years has passed so quickly, before you know it, I'll be blogging about my son's upcoming wedding. Oh my.

Like anyone else when a new year begins, I am always ready to commit to be a better me. I want to study my scriptures more diligently, pray more earnestly, speak more lovingly, do more for others, keep a better house, cherish moments with my little ones, develop new talents and resurrect old ones. My list is the same almost every year, it just gets a little longer with time.

And then January 2nd hits and I'm back to the old me.

Of course I am still desiring all of the same things, but I am not getting the results I'd hoped for. I get discouraged, and I don't do a good job of dealing with reality (such is the case right now. Clearly I am not dealing with the state of Limbo as well as I'd like!)

Each time I have a conversation with my parents, I am always reminded that being a parent truly is a life-long job that does not end when your kids fly the coop and tie the knot. And bless my parents' hearts, they are always working overtime. Each of us are out of the nest and married. While they should be off relaxing, enjoying the extra space, reaping their rewards for years of sacrifice on behalf of my siblings and I, instead they spend their time counseling, advising, and cheering me on. My mother sent me an e-mail yesterday with a wonderful talk enclosed. It was beautiful, and just what I needed to read. My father e-mailed me the Joy-school nativity coloring sheets and promised me a lesson on sticky buns the next time I visited.

I think I shed a few tears when he told me that.

God uses your faith to mold your character. Character is the manifestation of what you are becoming. Strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life. Your faith can guide you to those correct choices. Clearly, it is what you do and what you think about that determine what you are and what you will become. Therefore, the choices you make need to be inspired by the Lord. Others can encourage you to make the right decisions, but those choices must not be prescribed by them. You need to ponder, pray, and exercise faith to willingly make choices consistent with the teachings of the Master. Such choices are made with trust in things that are believed and when acted upon will be confirmed. Only enough guidance is given to lead you aright and not to weaken your growing character. That guidance will solidify your trust in Heavenly Father and the Savior.

Faith will forge strength of character available to you in times of urgent need. Such character is not developed in moments of great challenge or temptation. That is when it is used. Character is woven patiently from threads of principle, doctrine, and obedience. In James we read: “The trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” The bedrock of character is integrity. Worthy character will strengthen your capacity to obediently respond to the direction of the Spirit. Righteous character is what you are becoming. It is more important than what you own, what you have learned, or what goals you have accomplished. It allows you to be trusted. Righteous character provides the foundation of spiritual strength. It enables you in times of trial and testing to make difficult, extremely important decisions correctly even when they seem overpowering. I testify that neither Satan nor any other power can weaken or
destroy your growing character. Only you could do that through disobedience. {The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing byElder Richard G. Scott}

And that, my friends, is just what I needed. A little love and encouragement from my earthly parents and I feel like I can get back on my two feet and try again, and then fall to my knees and turn to my Heavenly Parents for the strength to do it again, even if I fail.

---
Part II.
Although I don't own a T.V., I have quickly became a huge fan of the Biggest Loser. (It may have started because it was one of the only clean primetime shows with full episodes available to watch on the internet, but I was soon hooked) In fact, I am a fan of any program that enlists people to set a goal to lose weight. I appreciate the vulnerability a weightloss challenge plagues each contestant with. It is raw and real. These people are overweight. They know it, and they want to change it. And they are willing to do it, vices and all, in front of the world. The amazing thing is, they DO it!

If I were invited to go on a show that was attempting to break me of all my bad habits and sins of omission, I'd probably run away from the chance. But the contestants are brave and set aside their pride and walk into a big wide world of unknown. And as the weeks go by, pounds are shed and a new person emerges. It is the most incredible sight. I am empowered by those people, and yet, discouraged at the same time. My vices are not quite so visible. Many of the things I want to change and work on are entirely personal and take place in my home in front of no one.

So in order to achieve my goals, I guess I need to do the same thing as Michelle Aguilar (a coincidence that this season's biggest loser shares my namesake AND age? I think not!). Admit to the world, rather the blogosphere which contains my small circle of loyal followers, my weaknesses and my plan to overcome them.

Yes, I am going to share my shortcomings (not all of them! Are you crazy? I still have to have my secrets!) and then the goal I am going to shoot for to help rid me of them.

#1 I am going to work on my style. (okay guys, STOP laughing!!! Seriously.) I'm going to be more polished in my appearance and try and shed the frumpies. I will stop wearing the clothes in my closet that are "okay" and only wear what I love and feel good in. I will put those make-up tips that I learned from the gay guy at the Mac counter to use instead of swearing next time I get ready I'll allow for more time so I can really try out the new eye shadow I bought.

I know you're probably thinking, "Woah, that's kind of a shallow goal to start with, Michelle." Yes, my friends, it is. It is also more encompassing than you realize. I feel like in order to really get a jump start in working toward some goals, paltry or lofty, I need to feel good about me. If you're still not convinced, look at this:



This picture totally sums up who I need to stop being. It was taken right before I went to college. Notice the sore thumb at the end on the right sticking out? Yeah, that's me. All those other cute girls have updated 'dos and digs. They are all cute in their jackets and skirts while I am wearing a hand-me-down dress (it was from one of the pictured girls actually! She had the sense to part with it, while I still clung to the long, floral dress look because.... because it was free??? I have no idea. Just simply because I didn't really know better and I thought it looked good).

Sadly, this pattern remains. I am about 3 years behind what is considered stylish. Once I got married my hip friends have had to leave it to Kyle to try and keep me in style, and while he is far better at keeping up with what's hot and hip (on a budget. this guy loves to shop at thrift stores!), he's just too nice to tell me the brutal truth. (That's one of the many reasons why I love him) For some reason I still cling to styles that are....less than flattering. Every once in a while I find something off the rack (at Target no less, because I don't go clothes shopping unless I happen to be grocery shopping too) that is outside of my comfort zone and I'll wear it once or twice, and then it collects dust.

Beyond clothes and makeup, I am stuck in the rut of perpetual bad hair days. I rarely love what I see in the mirror simply because I don't take the time to do anything about it! That is what I hope to change. I don't plan on going on a shopping spree or anything. I've got clothes in my closet. I just need to ban myself from wearing the sweats all the time and put more effort into me. I find that when I reeeeally get ready for the day, I am much more productive and optimistic. And I'm probably more patient, too.

With this so-called style I am hoping to achieve also assumes the responsibility of shedding the "softies" as I like to call them. I may be happy with my weight, but I am certainly far from the tone girl I was back in the High School Glory Days. Time to hit the pavement (or the gym) and let the softies go. Don't kid yourself, you guys. I am not parting with my Oreos. I'm not even attempting to cut down. I'll just try to eat more veggies than I do chocolate.

In closing, I wish to apologize to Kyle's faithful male followers of this blog. I'm sure he'll write a more man-appealing post soon.