Being in control of your life is so overrated

You guys are the best. I feel like I have my own little corner cheering section as I read through your comments of my last screaming post. Thanks. And if I had a camera right now I'd take a picture of what I am staring at to let you know just what exactly your words of optimism are up against. Oh, the frustration of living sort of, mostly but not really all packed up. All my books are off of the shelves. Any decor that once held some notion of "I make a house a home" is stacked up against the wall on the floor, and there are empty and full bins and boxes everywhere.

Calgon, take me away.

As I sit on the couch and ponder what I have (or have not) ahead of me in the coming days (oh heavens, even weeks, months, YEARS!) I am choosing to dream myself back to this moment:

By the way Mom and Dad, thank you! This was their Christmas present to Kyle and I. They didn't know it at the time, but this is what I chose to get for us. Not fair? I know. I spent about 70% of the Christmas money on surfing lessons. Kyle didn't want to take them for some reason. Probably because he loved me so much he wanted to make sure he got some awesome shots of me riding the waves to show our posterity for years to come. Thanks, hon. The remaining 30% was all yours. ;)

Oh, to be propped up on a surf board in Hawaii, looking across the picturesque horizon for the perfect wave sounds really, really good right now. Instead I await our future with ZERO control of the outcome:

A. Closing on our house totally falls through. I stay here and unpack home as much as I dare, rehang the curtains and the pictures, and single mom it while Kyle travels. House goes back on market and I pull out my hair again every time I have a showing.

B. Closing happens. I finish packing up, cleaning, and spend an unknown amount of time consoling my four year-old and explaining why I ripped him away from his school, friends, and everything good and right in his life up to this point. We move to an unknown location. I'm not saying its an undisclosed location. I'm saying it's UNKOWN. Ugh.

C. Closing does happen, but it takes another 2 weeks and we don't know closing will happen until the day before. In the mean time, we hang out here living out of boxes, eating off paper plates (sorry, Earth), and telling everyone we don't know what we're doing. Again.

I realize I've been doing a lot of grumbling and much, much less being grateful for my current circumstances. Maybe I just need another trip back to the Ecuadorian orphanages to remind me of all I do have. Life is hard, we are supposed to experience trials and through all, we are to enjoy the journey. Heavens, I've poured out that line of advice dozens of times-- even in the last 12 months. And I meant it. I felt it. I believed it! And all things considered, this isn't really that bad of a spot to be in. But the 13 year-old in me wants to scream, "I don't want to handle this maturely! I don't feel like taking it in stride right now!" So, in an effort to ward off the self-absorbed, pre-menstrual, pouty-faced 8th grader inside of me, I've decided I need some sort of goal to work through until everything pans out. A good, wholesome, enjoy-the-journey promoting goal. Of course if I think about it, there's a zillion things to work on. But what takes the very most of my energy?

I mentioned to my Mom my big decision I made for the morrow and she admitted it was a pretty lofty goal, but wished me luck anyway. All this angst and frustration I have--- well, I am going to channel that into focusing on the way I communicate with my kids. I vow to answer every single "MOOOOOOM!" with a sweet, "Yes, dear?" and every single "Why does ____ ____ ____?" with a gentle, informative, and valid answer. I will refrain from answering even the most obvious of why questions when I'm at the end of my rope with unintelligable words and phrases to try and get my children to lose interest in their question (come on, you've done it before.... haven't you?).

I will have patience for a sick, whiny child (I hear Savvy coughing and whaling now.... dang. Should've taken her to the witch doctor when she was still open). I will smile brightly and bounce out of bed when the sun (or son) wakes me up long before my body wants to. I will not mind the sticky crud under my feet in the kitchen floor when I realize someone didn't clean up their spill. I will not grumble under my breath when I smell pee in the bathroom. I will not steam at the sight of dirty socks (other than my own of course) on the floor.

I will rejoice in motherhood, all aspects of it. I will sing praises to Kyle for providing me a life full of adventure and sponteinaity. I will eat cake. I will work out. I will smile. I will laugh. I will.....um...er...

I'll endure.

Keep you posted on the all other stuff I guess.

Breathing in.... breathing out..... breathing in...... breathing out......