How to be a Horrid Hostess

As I stepped into my parents home last night after a long day of traveling, I had to chuckle to myself thinking my experience being a guest in my parents' home is the polar opposite of the experience I recently gave my girlfriend when she came to town to visit for the weekend. My mom is great. She picked up groceries for my kids, scrubbed down my little sister's old play kitchen and surprised Cade and Savvy with it, hung fresh towels, had dinner in the fridge...etc. etc. I, however, am really good at inconveniencing my guests to the umpteenth degree. I thought I'd share my light an knowledge on the subject.

16 steps to keep visitors from coming back:
1. First things first, you gotta pick your guest up late at the airport. Have absolutely no good reason why (no child had to be run to the ER, no neighbor needed you to help find a runaway horse, no husband got home late...) other than you didn't plan ahead and consider rush-hour traffic and other no-brainers.

2. After you pick your guest up at the airport, make her google text the phone number of a pizza place by your house so you don't have tomake her dinner.

3. Make her call the number and order the pizza.

4. Tell her of your exciting plans to take her to this quaint part of town filled with darling shops and great desserts after you finish eating the pizza at the restuarant.

5. Once dinner is over, bag the whole night on the town and head straight home, without mentioning the change of plans until you reach your driveway.

6. Make her sleep in your kids' toyroom so they'll wake her up. Make her use your 4-year-old's bathroom and do not check it to make sure it is clean.

7. Whatever you do, do NOT make her a delicious breakfast of French toast, pancakes, bacon or eggs. Make her scrounge.

8. Bring up again how much you look forward to bringing her to the quaint part of town, then tell her to watch your kids while you jump in the shower.

9. Calculate when the most hot, humid and miserable part of the day will be and force your guest to come with you to the park with your kids.

10. Make sure the park smells bad. Don't pay much attention to your crazy children at the park so your guest will feel responsible for them and keep them from sustaining serious injuries on the playground.

11. When her husband (whom she hasn't seen all summer because he's been away on an internship) arrives at your house, instead of giving her quality time with him, steal her away for a pedicure. Without the husband. Leave her husband to watch your kids.

12. After the pedicure, bring her home to make her own sandwich and then abandon her again for a church calling. For four hours.

13. Don't tell her where the quaint part of downtown is that you were dying to take her. Instead, point her in the direction of chain restaurants and big box stores.

14. On their first night together in several weeks, do not provide your guests with comfortable or private sleeping arrangements. Rather, keep them in the playroom where the kids will come in. Arrange one guest to sleep on a twin mattress 6 inches too small, and the other on the floor.

15. As your guests depart for a long car trip, do not provide them with any snacks, sandwiches, fruit or beverages. Make them tough it on their own.

16. Even though you haven't seen her in ages, make sure you don't take any pictures together, or of your guests with your children. Keeping Memories is lame.

Reunion Tour 2008

This is the year for reunions. Kyle and I haven't been to one together since the summer we met 7 years ago, which is kind of odd because we weren't even married then. It has taken 5+ years of marriage to get us at another one. And this summer, we are certainly getting our fill of blasts from the past: his high school reunion, my family reunion, and soon to come, his family reunion.

We recently returned from the Sheppard Fam-Damily reunion. Location? Kah-nee-tah high desert resort (and casino!) in Middle of Nowhere, OR. Cell phone reception? Not even half a bar. Internet? Not a chance. Shaving? Optional. Here's my dad sportin' the mountain man look:

The idea was for all of us to camp out it teepees there on the resort. I was concerned about my packing skills. (Not nearly as good as my numchuck skills) I mean, I'm good at tetris and all, but when it comes to packing air mattresses, sleeping bags, pillows, blankets, diapers and clothes and life vests....I was at the point of impossible unless I was somehow able to score one of those Mary Poppins carpet bags on e-bay for a hot deal. So I got a hotel. Best decision ever. We mooched off my parent's and brother's teepee of course, so Cade felt like he was totally getting the Indian-- er, Native American --experience without actually having to sleep in one or shower in the community showers or put our kids down for naps in 110 degree heat.

My parents were super troopers and DROVE out there with my sis and her husband in the trusty van and filled it to the brim with chairs and toys for the kids. Thanks to them, we were able to survive. They also brought all the food fixin' gear and paper goods (no we did not recycle). They were awesome to make the long journey.

One miracle of the trip was I did not have to break out my mad cooking skills for a single meal. My parents covered Wednesday night's dinner and thursday mornin's breakfast. jake and rebecca had dinner the next night. We ate out friday night, and sister-in-law lesley fed us saturday. What did we contribute? We ate everyone's food and bought a bunch of pop, peanut butter and bread. not a bad trade off. (Maybe everyone planned in that way--- they were on vacation and shouldn't be subjected to eat my food now should they?)

It was a great time to be with family--- oddly enough though, I didn't feel like we were able to spend loads of time together "as a family." Between chasing the kids, keeping them out of the heat, putting them down for bed or naps, there was little time to just sit with my parents and siblings and talk. :-( I am looking forward to the next one though. Hopefully we can all stay in one cabin or condo or something so when the kiddies are asleep, the grown-ups can par-tay, instead of one of us staying in the hotel with the kids. I am so sad we didn't get a picture taken of all of us. But I guess we were snapping photos the whole time of everyone, so we still were able to document the good times. We did snap a photo of the sibs:

It was fun being with all the cousins, seeing how big they've grown, and the highlight--- seeing my nephew Luke for the first time. He is darling! I am also in awe of my brother-in-laws. They truly are good sports. They have certainly married into a crazy family, yet somehow managed to portray the image of genuinely enjoying our company. They were positive, helpful, and really pleasant to be around. Three cheers for awesome brother-in-laws!

Cousin Tyler and Savvy are total look-alikes. It's funny how they look more like siblings that Cade and Savvy do. Tyler was so sweet to keep attempting to give Savannah hugs and kisses, but she wasn't having it. She's a fiesty one.

Kudos also goes to stellar gift givers, Lesley and Austin for providing the most amazing imagination igniters for the little tykes: Superhero Capes. Each cousin of walking age got a superhero cape with their initial on it. They had a blast soaring through the teepee village rescuing good guys and detroying all the bad guys.

Also a highlight of the trip: I discovered the fine sport of golf. I went out for my first time and I am hooked. (except, no, I haven't been since I've been home. so maybe hooked isn't the right word...) What was so fun about swinging at a ball and missing it and scoring an average of 10 per hole? You must not know me. It was the GOLF CART of course! Rebecca and I had a blast driving all over the course in between swings and going for one more joy ride after we finished the 9th hole. Jake was an awesome sport- considering he made par every single hole or better and the rest of us were total losers at the sport. He gets the GOLD medal for patience.

We got to close our vacation with a visit to my Uncle Mark and Aunt Val's home in Oregon City. We managed to get a photo session at the Columbus (or Columbia?) River and it was BEEEE-U-TEE-FUL! What were we doing in the desert?????!!! Val and Mark are amazing cooks and fabulous landscapers. I drooled over the cedar-plank salmon and beautifully landscaped yard. The kids had a blast in their blow-up pool and it was nice to just sit and chat with them.

Don't my kids look adorable in this picture? Their futures look incredibly bright considering how well they do with those goggles. Science fairs here we come. We all know brains come before looks, anyway.

And golly, this picture just may be good enough to send out another wedding announcement of Kyle and I. Except, we'd do something like, "Happy 5.57 year anniversary to us"We are gearing up to close Reunion Tour 2008 with Kyle's Fam-Damily reunion in Bear Lake this weekend. Yeeee-haw!

High Adventure: Days 2 and 3

We rafted down the New River and the Gauley River located in West Virginia. Here are a couple of pics.

High Adventure: Day 1