As I stepped into my parents home last night after a long day of traveling, I had to chuckle to myself thinking my experience being a guest in my parents' home is the polar opposite of the experience I recently gave my girlfriend when she came to town to visit for the weekend. My mom is great. She picked up groceries for my kids, scrubbed down my little sister's old play kitchen and surprised Cade and Savvy with it, hung fresh towels, had dinner in the fridge...etc. etc. I, however, am really good at inconveniencing my guests to the umpteenth degree. I thought I'd share my light an knowledge on the subject.
16 steps to keep visitors from coming back:
1. First things first, you gotta pick your guest up late at the airport. Have absolutely no good reason why (no child had to be run to the ER, no neighbor needed you to help find a runaway horse, no husband got home late...) other than you didn't plan ahead and consider rush-hour traffic and other no-brainers.
2. After you pick your guest up at the airport, make her google text the phone number of a pizza place by your house so you don't have tomake her dinner.
3. Make her call the number and order the pizza.
4. Tell her of your exciting plans to take her to this quaint part of town filled with darling shops and great desserts after you finish eating the pizza at the restuarant.
5. Once dinner is over, bag the whole night on the town and head straight home, without mentioning the change of plans until you reach your driveway.
6. Make her sleep in your kids' toyroom so they'll wake her up. Make her use your 4-year-old's bathroom and do not check it to make sure it is clean.
7. Whatever you do, do NOT make her a delicious breakfast of French toast, pancakes, bacon or eggs. Make her scrounge.
8. Bring up again how much you look forward to bringing her to the quaint part of town, then tell her to watch your kids while you jump in the shower.
9. Calculate when the most hot, humid and miserable part of the day will be and force your guest to come with you to the park with your kids.
10. Make sure the park smells bad. Don't pay much attention to your crazy children at the park so your guest will feel responsible for them and keep them from sustaining serious injuries on the playground.
11. When her husband (whom she hasn't seen all summer because he's been away on an internship) arrives at your house, instead of giving her quality time with him, steal her away for a pedicure. Without the husband. Leave her husband to watch your kids.
12. After the pedicure, bring her home to make her own sandwich and then abandon her again for a church calling. For four hours.
13. Don't tell her where the quaint part of downtown is that you were dying to take her. Instead, point her in the direction of chain restaurants and big box stores.
14. On their first night together in several weeks, do not provide your guests with comfortable or private sleeping arrangements. Rather, keep them in the playroom where the kids will come in. Arrange one guest to sleep on a twin mattress 6 inches too small, and the other on the floor.
15. As your guests depart for a long car trip, do not provide them with any snacks, sandwiches, fruit or beverages. Make them tough it on their own.
16. Even though you haven't seen her in ages, make sure you don't take any pictures together, or of your guests with your children. Keeping Memories is lame.
2 comments:
You have quite the writers flare Michelle! I was laughing quite a bit :)
I seriously considered writing a point-for-point rebuttal, but then realized everything on your list actually DID happen (I died laughing, by the way).
What you forgot to add, however, were all the great things about the weekend: playing with Cade & Savannah, eating the BEST pizza ever, staying up late talking, hanging out at the house, getting the grand tour from Cade and COMING TO SEE YOU! A weekend doesn't get much better than that.
When can I come again?
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