I'm in Love Again

I was thoroughly filled with anxiety in the days preceding the delivery. I was absolutely, positively ready to not be pregnant anymore.... but just not ready for a newborn. I wasn't sure why exactly. From the anticipated up-all-nights to the fear of another human being to look after in addition to my other 3 children, to just simply all the unknowns that there are with a new baby; I just didn't feel ready.

There's always a bit of sadness the night before I have a baby as well. Just looking upon each of my children, knowing things are going to change, and knowing they will never be the same after tomorrow for some reason makes me a little sad. My love doesn't change, this I know. In fact it deepens with each child born. It's hard to articulate exactly why I feel a bit melancholy, but I do.

All fears aside, I kept my date with the hospital. And when our daughter entered this world and was placed on my bosom I wept with my husband. Those tears meant so many things that words could not really say. Gratitude, love, joy, peace...awe.

Just like that we became a family of 6. Just like that it felt like we were the way they had always been. She's always been a part of our family. She finally got to join us here on earth. The love we both immediately felt for her was intense, beautiful and thick. We both stared at her in amazement. She was perfect, healthy, and calm.

I loved the quiet moments I spent in the hospital just holding her. I would stare at her sweet face and  said over and over and over again that the sickness was all completely absolutely, undeniably worth it. I've heard that so much in the last 9 months-- "it's worth it in the end," and each time I'd nod and politely agree. I know it to be true because I've mustered the courage to have 3 other children despite my difficult pregnancies. I wouldn't do it if I wasn't sure of that. But there's nothing like truly knowing it is true when you are staring into the perfect face of your newborn with wonder and awe that she came from you and believing with every fiber of your being that every ailment felt and tear shed during her gestation was all completely worth it.

I'm so grateful to be a mother. I am so grateful to be her mother.

I've been up the last two nights, slept maybe a total of 4 hours, but miraculously I'm making it. Granted I haven't done much besides feed, diaper, burp and hold this little one. But it's still amazing how we are gifted with the ability to cope in this sleep-deprived state. It's one of the many blessings God grants us I believe, so we can sort of remember what it was like to hold a newborn. Sometimes after feeding her in the wee hours of the morning I just have to hold her and watch her sleep, even though I know I need to get some sleep of my own. These moments are fleeting and gone too soon and I want to soak them all up. It's amazing what you can learn during those quiet hours from someone who is a mere few days old.

My body aches, my head is pounding from the lack of sleep, and my insides sometimes scream at me when I take a flight of stairs.  These are the days of blissful misery. Bliss because of this new heavenly being that has joined our family and misery because the body is healing from the trauma of childbirth.

You can't look upon the face of a newborn and not believe that God is real. It truly is a miracle how we can bring His little ones to this world. I am bursting with gratitude for her health, for my health, and for knowing that my family, including this new little one, is eternal.

Ah, it's wonderful to be in love again. With not only this newborn babe, but with each of my children and my husband. With each birth I am reminded of the sweet moments I had with each of my children when they first joined our family. I look at them with amazement-- at how fast they've grown and how much they've learned. And how much I have learned from them. It's so endearing watching them welcome so freely this new family member and love her almost as instantaneously as their Dad and I did. And, I look upon my husband with awe; how he handily accepts the vague, all-encompassing role of being everything-else-that-I'm-not-being-while-I-recuperate, in addition to his role as husband, father, and breadwinner. I am so grateful to him because I could not do this alone. It has been said there is nothing more dreamy than a guy vacuuming the floors and doing the dishes. I'm here to second that. He's been dreamier than ever these last few days.

Life continues on, but I sure would love to pause these sweet moments of motherhood. It is truly a gift from God, for which I am ever grateful.