hmmmm

(written 12/27/2009)

For the third day in a row, I've felt sick. Like, icky, can't stand the sight of sugar, have no energy to do anything  sick. I even threw away the 22 remaining cupcakes we made for Joesph Smith's birthday last night after the kids went to bed because I couldn't stand the sight of them anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a few theories, I suppose.  My initial thought is-- sugar overload. Now that we've moved into our new home, enjoyed Christmas Eve dinner in our kitchen, and celebrated Christmas perhaps my body is finally screaming, ENOUGH!  Enough with sugar and sweets and no sleep and no exercise.  I so badly want to get up and exercise, but another part of my body is telling me it can't handle it.

Last night, after a day of failure trying to feed my body whatever it was craving -- vegetables of all sorts -- I sat down feeling so gross. And then I had a flashback.   My mouth was filling with saliva, I knew I could vomit if I gave myself the chance, and I felt so "blah;" It was as if I had been taken back in time. Back to the incubation of Savannah.

Pregnancy. Yes, this felt like pregnancy. Like, exactly. When I was expecting Savannah, I loved salads and craved meat and vegetables.  I threw up often, and my mouth was constantly filling with saliva. It was so annoying. I wished I could spend my day in a dentist chair with the suction tube in my mouth. Yes, that would be an ideal way of spending my days. Besides, I had no energy to do anything anyway.

But that's impossible. I had a miscarriage about 6 weeks ago. I was at my doctor's office two weeks ago and took a pregnancy test to make sure I didn't need a D&C. It was negative. And in two weeks, I certainly couldn't be feeling the effects of pregnancy, now could I?  I don't feel them until about the 5th or 6th week.  So, it doesn't make sense.

Kyle told me last night that it would make perfect sense. Both of our kids have been miracles in their own right, so of course, it would make sense that I would be pregnant in the most seemingly impossible of circumstances.

So, if it is pregnancy, I have no idea how to calculate how far along I am.  I am suspcicious that I'll be due right around the time of my 10 year high school reunion. Which I am in charge of. Great.

If it is pregnancy, I would feel relieved about all these annoying symptoms. It's nice to have a reason for feeling like you don't want to do anything.

The first day I felt like this, I thought something was seriously wrong. Like I was depressed, or that something was off. Like, moving into this house was the wrong decision or we were making  a wrong choice about something. It took me until yesterday to clue into the idea that I might actually just be physically ill.

So, I shall go to the store and get a test. It's likely too soon to tell anything. In the mean time, maybe I can stop by my brother-in-law's office and sit in the chair with a suction tube in my mouth to get all this annoying saliva out.

Ack.