True Love

We are expecting Woodbury #4, which is great news in itself, but it has been...well...hard. Really, really hard. I don't want to sugar coat this or brush this off as merely a bump in the road. True to the promise I've always made, I am going to keep this real. Please know I am not being honest to evoke pity. We all have our "stuff" to deal with and this is mine, and I wish to record it as it is.

I haven't been living day to day or hour to hour. It has been moment to moment.

Once I entered week 6 of the pregnancy, my world came crashing down.  I was no longer able to get my son off to school in the morning. I couldn't pack his lunch, style his hair, remind him to brush his teeth or kiss him and wave to him out the door. Instead, the family would come up to me in bed and we'd have family prayer there. There were days I couldn't get off the couch except to hurl over the toilet. There were nights I couldn't tuck my daughter in, even though she'd ask me so sweetly with eyes pleading for me to join her for just a few moments in her room. It was just up the stairs! And I couldn't do it.  I couldn't take my son to soccer practice or set the table. I couldn't change Ruby's soiled diapers or take her out for a walk in the sunshine. I couldn't take Ruby to swim lessons or do Savvy's hair for school.

All this time I've measured my worth as a mother and wife and being by what I'm able to do for others. I've been able to do very little these last several days and I'll admit it, I've felt pretty worthless. Mostly I have spent my days simply enduring and existing and that has been the very most I've been capable of. While there has been so much suffering, I haven't been able to stay in my dark place for very long before someone has come and served me or my family.  I've been so touched by the overflowing of love and kindness that has been all around me. It is breathtaking, really.

My husband has been amazing. He is the one that gets Cade off to school in the morning. He keeps the girls happy, feeds them lunch, gets Savvy off to school and puts Ruby down for her nap. He changes diapers, loads the dishwasher, picks up the house for the umpteenth time, takes Cade to soccer, piano, scouts and does homework with him. He gets all of the kids ready for church in the morning and wrestles with them in the pew. He brings me breakfast in the morning, takes my dishes, and when I throw it up he asks what he can make for me again. He indulges me in my bizarre requests for food and drink because I think, this time, I might be able to keep it down. He takes me to the ER in the middle of the night even though he is bone tired and secretly I know he is begging for sleep. He holds me in bed and strokes my hair while I weep because I feel so sick and alone night after night. He plans and executes Cade's  birthday party without a hitch, including corralling more than a dozen other 8 and 9 year-old kids in an arcade. He goes to the store to get the special treat for Cade's class on his special day, and takes the kids shopping for clothes because they are out of pants without holes in them.

Did I mention he has a job? Did I mention he has never complained? Not a SINGLE time about any of this.  Ever. Taking care of me has been a full-time job on its own. And I'm a less than awesome person to be around these days.  I would be so annoyed with me by now if I were him. I'd be so strung out and stressed and overwhelmed I think I'd spontaneously combust.  He doesn't. He keeps at it so good-naturedly I wonder if he's human. He had a birthday, but didn't really. He spent it on the airplane keeping our 2 year-old entertained for 2 painfully long flights across the country while I spent it on the plane next to Savvy focusing on not puking. No presents, no cake, no fanfare. He didn't mope or feel sorry for himself. He hasn't said a word about it, in fact.

On top of this, he's getting the pool ready to uncover, having contractors over to design some more storage in our garage and has been working out in the yard getting it ready for spring. Just yesterday he was counting up the number of tiles on our roof that need to be replaced. The guy is not only keeping me alive, the kids alive and the house standing, but he is being proactive about stuff.

How does he do this?

I don't know but I am so very grateful. I feel so lucky, so blessed and more in love with him than I have ever before. As long as I have him, I know I can get through this.