True Love

We are expecting Woodbury #4, which is great news in itself, but it has been...well...hard. Really, really hard. I don't want to sugar coat this or brush this off as merely a bump in the road. True to the promise I've always made, I am going to keep this real. Please know I am not being honest to evoke pity. We all have our "stuff" to deal with and this is mine, and I wish to record it as it is.

I haven't been living day to day or hour to hour. It has been moment to moment.

Once I entered week 6 of the pregnancy, my world came crashing down.  I was no longer able to get my son off to school in the morning. I couldn't pack his lunch, style his hair, remind him to brush his teeth or kiss him and wave to him out the door. Instead, the family would come up to me in bed and we'd have family prayer there. There were days I couldn't get off the couch except to hurl over the toilet. There were nights I couldn't tuck my daughter in, even though she'd ask me so sweetly with eyes pleading for me to join her for just a few moments in her room. It was just up the stairs! And I couldn't do it.  I couldn't take my son to soccer practice or set the table. I couldn't change Ruby's soiled diapers or take her out for a walk in the sunshine. I couldn't take Ruby to swim lessons or do Savvy's hair for school.

All this time I've measured my worth as a mother and wife and being by what I'm able to do for others. I've been able to do very little these last several days and I'll admit it, I've felt pretty worthless. Mostly I have spent my days simply enduring and existing and that has been the very most I've been capable of. While there has been so much suffering, I haven't been able to stay in my dark place for very long before someone has come and served me or my family.  I've been so touched by the overflowing of love and kindness that has been all around me. It is breathtaking, really.

My husband has been amazing. He is the one that gets Cade off to school in the morning. He keeps the girls happy, feeds them lunch, gets Savvy off to school and puts Ruby down for her nap. He changes diapers, loads the dishwasher, picks up the house for the umpteenth time, takes Cade to soccer, piano, scouts and does homework with him. He gets all of the kids ready for church in the morning and wrestles with them in the pew. He brings me breakfast in the morning, takes my dishes, and when I throw it up he asks what he can make for me again. He indulges me in my bizarre requests for food and drink because I think, this time, I might be able to keep it down. He takes me to the ER in the middle of the night even though he is bone tired and secretly I know he is begging for sleep. He holds me in bed and strokes my hair while I weep because I feel so sick and alone night after night. He plans and executes Cade's  birthday party without a hitch, including corralling more than a dozen other 8 and 9 year-old kids in an arcade. He goes to the store to get the special treat for Cade's class on his special day, and takes the kids shopping for clothes because they are out of pants without holes in them.

Did I mention he has a job? Did I mention he has never complained? Not a SINGLE time about any of this.  Ever. Taking care of me has been a full-time job on its own. And I'm a less than awesome person to be around these days.  I would be so annoyed with me by now if I were him. I'd be so strung out and stressed and overwhelmed I think I'd spontaneously combust.  He doesn't. He keeps at it so good-naturedly I wonder if he's human. He had a birthday, but didn't really. He spent it on the airplane keeping our 2 year-old entertained for 2 painfully long flights across the country while I spent it on the plane next to Savvy focusing on not puking. No presents, no cake, no fanfare. He didn't mope or feel sorry for himself. He hasn't said a word about it, in fact.

On top of this, he's getting the pool ready to uncover, having contractors over to design some more storage in our garage and has been working out in the yard getting it ready for spring. Just yesterday he was counting up the number of tiles on our roof that need to be replaced. The guy is not only keeping me alive, the kids alive and the house standing, but he is being proactive about stuff.

How does he do this?

I don't know but I am so very grateful. I feel so lucky, so blessed and more in love with him than I have ever before. As long as I have him, I know I can get through this.

This and That

It's a funny thing being a parent. I'm in over my head to say the least. Then things happen and surprise me and help me to remember I can chill out. But one thing remains: I am in over my head.

Cade is now in 3rd grade. The magic year of accountability. Kyle and I have discussed giving Cade some freedom so that he feels the natural consequences of things, rather than constantly remind him. The end goal is that Cade, naturally, on his OWN takes initiative with school work as well as extra curricular activities. We want him to WANT to do well in school. We want him to WANT to do his best, work hard, and give life his all.

Take reading for instance. He should be reading 20-30 minutes every night. Starting Cade on a book is really hard. So I decided to let January and February "happen" as he directed it to.  He is supposed to get a paper signed every day that he read. He missed a good solid week in January. At least.  I was hopeful that he would see results in his grades at school and feel the consequences of his choice. Well, come report card time the kid got straight A's. So, what was his consequence really of not reading???  Maybe I was the one who was supposed to learn the lesson? I don't know.

So I let February go, too. The kid only read 8  days out of the month.  Granted, we were gone for 8 days of the month, but still. We might not learn for a while if that really takes its toll on his grades but we will see. I was getting nervous honestly that my kid would hate reading and his comprehension would struggle and then he would struggle with learning for the rest of his life. Thoughts continued to spiral.

I decided March was not going to be a month of Cade calling the shots. So I was firm and said he needed to read.  He didn't throw a fit nor did he refuse to read. He got his Percy Jackson book and joined me in bed last night and read. And I had quite the time peeling him away from his book. The kid has a hard time stopping reading, too.

What a balance act parenting is!

Is there a moral to this story? Not sure. But, Cade doesn't hate reading, he has fine comprehension. All is not lost.

I'm still confused about how to teach him self-motivating life skills though. Food for thought. Oh trust me, I've got a gazillion books, articles, etc etc. Just knowing how to consistently execute it is the trick.

Hmm...what else?

Ruby is back in swimming lessons. She finally decided after the 3rd day she would like it. Funny girl. She is determined to be in charge of her emotions. She loves it now and tells me every day she wants to go back tomorrow. Great!

Savannah and I have been participating in a reading study at BYU. It pretty much goes like this. Fill out a survey, collect $25 dollars. Come to the lab and read a book with your daughter while being secretly watched, collect $25 dollars. We've read 4 books now together and it feels like highway robbery. I go in tomorrow for the final part of the study. $150 total compensation for reading or talking about reading to my daughter. Awesome. Oh, and I failed to mention they provide babysitting for Ruby while this is going on. All very nice indeed.  I'm curious what they find or discover or think of our reading sessions. Hmm.

Kyle was awesome and cleaned out the garage a few days ago. The weather has been sunshine-y and the kids have been playing outside a bunch. I love it. They generally play outside even when it's cold and snowy- but it has been fun watching them on their bikes and scooters and what not. But back to the garage--- yes, it's awesome looking now. Even with all the sleds, bikes, go-carts scooters and what not.

My big sister is amazing and ran a sub 3 marathon this last weekend. Translation to non-runners:  She ran 26.2 miles in less than 3 hours!  Her pace was about 6:30 per mile . Yeah, she is awesome. She is also dedicated and the most self-motivated person I know.

My other sister dropped a bomb on us and is moving to Vernal. In 2 weeks. :(  I'm so sad but really excited for her. I'm kicking myself for not taking more advantage of her living so close. She's been a mere 20 minutes away from me for the last 3 years. And now it's going to be 2.5 hours. Yes, we will survive. But I really like my sisters. Rebecca is a saint and my kids love her. I love my nephew Squishy Cheeks and my niece Bailey. I love my brother-in-law Jake who is really such a great guy. Sigh. But this is all great for them and when it's great for them, I'm happy.

For Christmas for the 2nd year, my parents gave the kids "dates." They love it. They pick a day for each child and let the grandchild pick where to eat and what they want to do. It is a hit. Cade just got to cash in on his and it was pretty awesome.  He wanted to build a secret hiding spot under his window seat with Grandpa. After eating at Burger King of course. My Dad was awesome and designed a great trove for Cade. It took more than an afternoon, naturally. So my Dad came up again Monday to finish it up. Cade, the lucky goose had a minimal day and was home by 2pm so he was thrilled to pieces he was able to finish helping. He had a hard time going to soccer practice at 4:30 though. He kept insisting "Grandpa needs my help! He can't do it without me!"  Pretty awesome stuff. Cade and I are going to paint it and it will be all done! Dads are awesome.