How To...

The 3 chillins and I are in the middle of our fourth week of missing Kyle. I had to look at the calendar because I lost count. After 2 weeks it kind of got depressing telling people how long he's been gone, and it became easier to honestly say "I'm not sure. A few weeks?"  At this point I'm feeling that it may as well be week 9 (though I am very glad this is not week 9!)  It seems like so long ago that Kyle was here, pacing the front yard on the phone dealing with some issue, a common sight if you were to drive by our home.

Now I'm lucky enough to be part of the dozens and dozens who fight for phone time with Kyle. Yes, lucky me. Our conversations range all over the spectrum. Sometimes I call him to figure out how to shut the hot tub off because the blasted thing overheated and won't stop running. Sometimes I call him to tell him I'm overnighting HIS kids in a UPS box. Sometimes we call him to see if he can pick the opening song for FHE and join us for a bit. And sometimes we just chat about our day.

This is how part of our conversation went the other night:

"I think this is worse than you being a soldier in World War One."

"Um, no, I don't think it is."

"Okay, so reeeallly it's not, but think about it from this point of view. We can talk to you every day, often times multiple times a day about mundane things, funny things, or important things. There are commercial airplanes able to fly you home. But yet you're there."

"Ah, I see. It's hard because we are choosing to be apart. I'm not here for the sake of freedom for humanity. Not that it would make it any easier."

"Yes!  I know what you're doing most of the time. I know you're alive. I don't fear for your life {though Kyle is always full of good stories that could perhaps make me fear for his well-being} It's accepting the fact every day that I could see you and it wouldn't be that hard to arrange. You're not in some top secret location and I don't go months without a call or a letter. We are still choosing to be apart."

I do know what I am experiencing is NO comparison to one's spouse being off at war and don't ever want to claim this is anything close to that. Our situation is by choice. This isn't a moral or ethical decision we've made to achieve world peace. I do firmly believe Kyle's choice in providing for our family is a noble one and appreciate it down to the depths of my heart. I do acknowledge I am very blessed and have many of life's modern conveniences that simplify daily chores and make life more enjoyable. I am able to do this because I can see the big picture and recognize what Kyle is not only providing for us in the here and now, but also providing for our future. And while I can see all of that on the horizon, some times in the here and now it's just plain hard.

I am asked multiple times a day how I don't go crazy being apart from Kyle for so many days at a time, being responsible for my children all day every day without getting to share them with him.  I don't claim to be an expert on this, but I do have a respectable amount of experience, so I have written my own article on the matter. Parenting Magazine received their copy last week.  It came back with so many red marks, I believe I'm on track for it to be published in September 2034*. 

This is not intended to be one of those self-righteous "be like me" dialogues that make you want to crawl in a hole because you feel so worthless. Promise. This is taking a small slice of the Woodbury Life that is actually working and sharing it. Take note that the rest of our pie is totally in crumbles. Delicious, still, but in crumbles nonetheless. Cross my heart.

How not to go crazy when your spouse is out of town for an extended period of time

by Michelle Woodbury

1. Routine! Routine! Routine! Having a daily and weekly routine helps the kids know what to expect and prevents a lot of wasted energy that often goes into figuring out what is going to happen and how. From when the bathroom scrubbing, laundry folding and story time take place, to basball practice, swim lessons and Family Home Evening, they are all important enough to find a spot on my planner, be it my real one or my mental one. I am better able to not stress about my house looking disastrous {Yes, even when unexpected guests arrive} because I know it will get picked up. It may not happen for another 8 hours, but it will happen. And that's the best I can do.

 When things are routine, it makes each day conquerable and enjoyable. It's like cooking. If you learn how to cook a complicated dish and cook it often enough, in time it doesn't seem like a complicated dish  because it's familiar and before long you no longer shy away from making it for dinner because to you, "it's easy." That's what routine does for my days without my man.

2. BE FLEXIBLE! While routine is important, we're dealing with the ultimate X factor: children, who are supremely talented beings when it comes to forcing one away from plans and schedules. I have to be flexible to change things in my routine or go with the flow when unexpected things come up. Kids get sick, tires get flat, and mommies get tired.  I've got no choice but to roll with it. Easier said than done, but my general rule for most planned events and outings is just simply having low expectations or none at all. Then you're always satisfied with how things turn out. Now if only I could teach my kids the art of low expectations.

3. Respect Bedtime and Nap time.   I admit these to be highlights of my day, so perhaps that is why I respect them so much.  It really helps with my sanity, and keeps my two nap-taking girls in good spirits (generally speaking). I know come 7 pm, assuming the day is going as planned, I will be able to be alone in my thoughts. While most days go by so fast, there are days I feel like one of those clock watching nine-to-five government employees when I check the time to see how much closer it is to put the girls down. 

4. Weekly one-on-one dates with each child. I have many friends who have been doing this for years. I've been meaning to do it for a while and have finally started and have already seen the great wisdom in it. Each week I take one of my children out on a "date." They can pick what activity we do or I can help them plan it. This gives me a chance to connect one-on-one with each of my children and shower them with my undivided attention while giving praise, love and affection that doesn't get interrupted by a baby crying, the phone ringing, or a sibling howling. The kids LOVE it and so do I.

5. Time for Personal self-relfection and communion with God. I know that to be happy and to find peace, you have to feed your spirit.  Sure chatting with girlfriends is essential to my mental well-being and having some me-time getting a pedicure sounds fantastic, but for me, the ultimate me-time is attending the temple and it comes first before other personal indulgences.  Journaling, prayer and scripture study {If we're being completely honest here, which I'd like to be, many days it's scripture "reading" and not "study"} are additional (and essential) ways I feed my spirit.  I also enjoy listening to talks given by prophets and priesthood leaders while doing mundane household tasks. 

6. Have a dependable babysitter your kids love.  Clearly, none of these could happen if I didn't have a superb, trusting and capable babysitter to depend on (and a husband with a job in which to pay her). When Kyle was first gone, I soon realized just how nice it is having a spouse around to hold the fort down when,  "I'm just going to run to the store" or "I'm going to Cade's school for an hour" or "I've got a Relief Society meeting this evening". It's hard not feeling trapped in the home when you are the sole responsible adult in the household 24/7.

Enter Samie.

 Not long after Kyle left for the summer, I was talking to my friend on the phone and she mentioned her daughter was home for the summer from school and they were just figuring out her summer and what she could do to earn some money. I jumped at the chance to hire her. She is AMAZING! She arrives promptly, entertains Cade in games of hide and seek, willingly reads Ramona books to Savvy until she's blue in the face, and does my dishes and picks up toys when all is quiet and the kids are sleeping.  She's fantastic!

At the beginning of each week I look at my calendar and then e-mail Samie a schedule. Doing this has forced me to be more of a schedule-oriented person. Before I often shied away from scheduling a regular sitter because I didn't know if I'd "be in the mood" or if "something would come up."  Committing is hard. I like to do things on my own watch, but when I'm involving another person into our world, it's only fair to plan ahead. :) And clearly, it has served me well. Because of Samie I am able to volunteer in Cade's class while the girls nap, attend the temple, take the little ones out on dates, and then have some personal enjoyment time as well.  

7. When in doubt, breakfast for dinner makes everything better. It's no secret that cooking in the kitchen is not my favorite pastime. When Kyle is gone, the amount of time I spend in the kitchen is decreased even moreso. There have been times when I am at a loss of what to make for dinner and my kids are unhappy and hungry. When I announce we're having waffles or pancakes or eggs for dinner, the effect is instantaneous. I immediately perk up because I've just solved the million dollar question "what are we having for dinner?" and my kids start cheering and hugging me. Having breakfast for dinner turns a stressful evening into a special occasion. For all those other times I'm not in doubt over what to prepare, I keep our meals healthy and simple. I don't have the emotional and mental capacity to spend a lot of time in the kitchen cooking for these little humans who can't appreciate the difference between a meal that took 20 minutes vs. and hour and 20 minutes to prepare.

8. Have a stash of comfort food on hand.  Just knowing it's there for me gives me comfort. I am not promoting emotional eating, but I will not deny that a quiet place coupled with a favorite food convinces me, if only for a few moments, that all is right with the world. I indulge and allow myself to thoroughly enjoy the moment. There is no place for guilt. One must also understand the fine line between indulging and engorging. One mustn't cross that line. Engorging is not enjoyable. Speaking from experience.

9. Have a stack of excellent books you've wanted to read. Reading is a wonderful escape. It stimulates the mind while taking you to a far away place. So far from sibling fights and poopy diapers. It's the ultimate reward to a long day. Sometimes the stack of books on my nightstand is a mean tease because often there isn't enough time for them. Oh, but the evenings that there is time to sink into a good book, it's glorious!

10. Get enough sleep. I've mentioned before that I'm finally finding the self-discipline to just go to bed. I've been a night-owl my entire life and have always wanted to be a morning person.  One of my favorite sayings goes something like this: "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." This won't let me hide behind "I am a such-and-such-type person." I just needed to change my habits, DAILY, and I could become who I wanted be be. Sometimes #9 gets in the way of #10. Like I finished a book last week by staying up WAY too late. I paid for it for another 2 or 3 days. Usually I know better and go to bed. When I do, I wake up happier with more control over my day and with a significantly more energy. We've all had those days when we couldn't wait to find a moment to put your head to a pillow. Those are the days I feel so out of control-- out of control of my time and of my emotions.

I'd love to be able to add this one to the list of things I'm doing: 11. exercise regularly. Buuuut I am being honest here. I haven't worked it into my routine just yet.... for the first time in my life I am actually WISHING for a treadmill. I used to despise those things, but really, having one would really solve a lot! I just need to start running again and then I know I will LOVE it and not look back.

12. Teach your kids to work. Having regular daily chores in my household assigned to each child I'm hoping is teaching them responsibility while simultaneously lifting my load a bit. I didn't realize until recently I've actually come to a place in my life where my children can actually really be quite helpful. One night I was in the middle of cooking dinner and Ruby was squealing slash growling in despair because she was hungry. For a split second I felt overhwlemed and was about ready to holler at no one in particular, just at the situation, (please tell me you know the exasperated groan?) and frustrated Kyle was gone, because this would be one of those moments where I"d turn to him and say "Hon, can you feed the baby?" Then I had a light bulb moment.  Ask Cade or Savvy to feed her.  It suddenly seemed so obvious. Both jumped at the chance to do it and for a while they fought over who got to feed her. The excitement of the newest discovered job has worn off, but they are usually willing to help feed her, which is tremendously helpful to me. Cade is great at taking out the garbage and cleaning his bathroom and Sav takes out the recycling. I've also put them in charge of certain things in the home. I call Cade the "Outside Manager" -- he's in charge of overseeing that all the toys get put back inside the garage at the end of the day and the garage gets shut. Savvy is my "bottle manager" She picks up Ruby's bottles and puts them in the sink. These seemingly simple tasks are a great help to me and the kids feel important being a "manager" so we are both happy!

In a perfect world, all of these coping mechanisms would ensure that I'd never lose my cool with my kids, never find myself in tears over something insignificant, and that my angels were all perfectly angelic all of the time and my home was in ship shape. I'm an imperfect human being, so this isn't the case. Some days my home resembles Sophie's bedroom. Some days I forget about the rolls in the oven and burn them. Some days, my kids are the ones having the melt down in the grocery store because I am not buying that cereal {mental note to NEVER take them to the grocery store EVER again}.  Some mornings I wake up so exhausted I do want to cry. But we do have great moments and even great days. I have experienced such joy in motherhood, even so doing it "on my own" and there are many more choice moments to be had.  These are the things I do to help me see and savor those sweet, sweet moments. And keep me from going crazy. Well....I haven't gone crazy yet.

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{Though fuzzy these pictures still may be of interest to posterity...}

Date night with Sav -- dance performance at BYU. To say she loved it would be a SERIOUS understatement.

Meeting Jimmer!  In 2-D!!!

I started having the kids be part of the rotation for giving the lesson during Family Home Evening. This was Savvy's lesson on Lehi's Dream. She put this together all by herself. I was so tickled I had to take a picture. It's so funny how early on the differences between men and women show up. I wouldn't have been surprised if Sav had gotten out a table cloth.

My mom, sisters, and niece at Trafalga. We celebrated my nephew Tyler's birthday here and it looks like I must have taken this picture while Mel and Bex were dancing. ???? :) Love these ladies. They, too, keep me from going nuts.

Sav and Tyer having their own story time after story time. Whenever I see them together their resemblance to each other is so uncanny.  They are often mistaken for twins.

*Totally, absolutely and unmistakably kidding! You all know I only write for pleasure. I will never claim to be expert enough or literate enough for anything of mine to be publish-worthy. I know, I'm so funny.