Still here!

And I'm no longer in need of a hair cut. But enough hair talk, just know I am a happy woman, good for another 4 weeks or so before I decide to return to my old salon (couldn't do it just yet) or go back to the new one I discovered. It really doesn't matter, all that's trivial.

Life keeps happening and I am a swirl of emotions. For heaven's sakes, I want to post pictures of Halloween last year, Cade's soccer swimming party we had in September, pictures of Savvy's 4th birthday, videos of my chubby love Ruby belly laughing, write an account of our warm and sunny Family Vacation we just took, and write about everything in between. But for now, my heart is somewhere else....It's in a few places right now, actually.

My heart is grateful. While I am far from pleased in the direction our country has been going with political decisions, I'm grateful for my freedoms to participate in deciding who runs this country, my state, my city, my school district. Watching Egyptians having to fight so hard for something we've had for so long reminds me to a powerful degree that I am proud to be an American and I'll not ever take it for granted.

My heart is sad. I'm sad for my Father-in-law who endure his first post-funeral birthday of Mary, his first Valentine's Day....and he's working so hard running the pizza store, and working his full-time job while coming home to an empty house. That is sad to me. I think a lot about the emptiness he must feel, the shock of how different life is now, and I want to take that all away. Life is full of hard experiences, and the most painful ones are refining ones, but it is really hard to watch from so far. We miss Don a lot.

My heart is at peace. Since we moved to Utah, education has been...well, tricky for lack of a better word. I now live in a place and time where I have many options for my children. I could home school, I could send Cade to a private school, I could apply to get him into a charter school, or I could send him to another public school in my district for a specialty program, or I could send him to the public school assigned by where we live-- which is what I am doing now. While there is likely no wrong choice, making the best choice for Cade is what I want, and I often second guess myself and my parenting. It's hard. The choices I make can impact him for life. I'm so responsible. It seems to be that around this time of year I start wondering if I should make a change or keep doing what I am doing. Nothing spurs it other than if I need to prepare to make a change for the following year, now is the time to do that. Cade is happy. I love his teacher. I am involved in his classroom and other school activities, I am pleased with his progress. But I still question--- is this right? Is this the Best? Today I went to his school twice. Once to help out with a program that the school teaches the children to keep them safe, and then again for his parent teacher conference. While there both times, I just felt peace. He's in a good place-- and not only that, he's in the best place for him where he is thriving and having experiences make him a better person, growing him to be a compassionate, caring, and educated little man. Having that kind of peace is wonderful. Truly wonderful.

My heart most completely tonight amidst all these other feelings is prayerful. Scared, too, but mostly hopeful and trying to exercise as much Faith as I can muster on the prayers of my newest nephew's behalf. Randy and Kristen delivered their son yesterday and he was sent up to Primary Children's Hospital this morning. His reflexes and responses have not been what doctors want to be seeing from a newborn and want to run some tests. As a mother, it is always heart-wrenching to hear that about anyone's new child. When it is family, it brings a new slew of emotions that are hard to escape. I want him to be healthy, free from any complications. When someone has a child, I want it to be a sweet, perfect experience, free of worry or fear or sadness. Life can't perfect, I know.... so I suppose for me it's the fear of the unknown right now. Pray for little Benjamin to get well. To be well. We will be.