A tale of 2 babies...

Last night as I was taking advantage of a surge of energy I chuckled to myself how not ready I have been for my other two children to enter this world. Indulge me a moment while I take you on a little journey whilst I reminisce of my two babies.....

Cade's story is far from the romantic, perfectly planned baby story. His conception was a shock, the pregnancy was miserable, and I was in denial of becoming a parent. Night after night I had dreams of losing my baby during childbirth, and a huge part of me disconnected from the idea of having a baby. I suppose it was my method of protecting myself from pain. We were living in our quaint two bedroom apt in Provo. Kyle and I were both going to school at the time. I was due March 6th. There was no nursery to set up or get all cute. A month after the baby was born, we'd be heading East for Pest Control for the summer. I didn't know if I was having a boy or girl, so I didn't have any clothes, except a few yellow and white onesies. No swing, high chair, or changing table. I did, in fact, have a huge SUVish travel system to tote my new baby in style (that was back when bigger seemed to be better for some reason?!). When Monday, March 15th arrived, I was not intending to go to the hospital to have a baby. I was just going to have a stress test and pray that they'd give me permission to go until Friday to have the baby (you know, have the baby over the weekend and then head back to class). I (or Cade rather?) failed the stress test, so I was told to stay put and it was time to have this baby. Back home, clothes were in the washer and dryer, dishes in the sink, and Kyle was in class. I don't know how I got a hold of him since I was the one with the cell phone that day (Can you believe we shared a phone and 400 minutes between the two of us back then?!!!!!) I did have my bag packed, so Kyle brought it (minus my make-up bag and toiletries---sad!). There were a few scares with our baby's heart beat dropping and I remember squeezing Kyle's hand so tight until it came back in normal range. I wish the nurse hadn't taught me how to read the monitors. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. I was trying to prepare myself for what my dreams had been made of. At 3pm I was pumped full of pitocin and by 6pm I was more than ready for my epidural after giving the natural thing a go for more than long enough. I mean, my mother always told me natural childbirth "isn't that bad." 45 minutes later, I was a grumpy girl when the anesthesiologist arrived. When he left, I was smiling angelically and thanking him profusely for putting me out of my misery. At just past midnight my son was born thankfully pretty effortlessly. I kept feeling pressure and finally said something to the nurse. I was ready to deliver and the doctor barely made it on my second push to catch him.... Him? My son?! I wasn't expecting it. While we opted not to find out (that was back when I thought I liked surprises), I still was expecting a girl. I had numerous dreams about this little dark-haired baby girl so I just assumed it was all part of the maternal instincts thing and I was in touch. Apparently I wasn't and holding my son put me in a state of shock that lasted a day. I remember feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and feeling a wave of responsibility so huge it consumed me entirely. I wept that night (while Kyle, the proud father of a son slept soundly of course) thinking how on earth was I allowed to be a parent? What qualified me to be a mother to this new child? The next day went better and the overwhelming feelings abated and when I held my little baby, all 6 lbs and 7 oz of him, he didn't feel like such a stranger. We had not settled on a name and finally just seconds before being discharged I scribbled on the form "Caden" just to get the discharge nurses to leave me alone. Three days later I decided he looked more like a "Cade" and called the hospital in the nick of time. They were actually processing his birth records when I called. How's that for lucky and saving me weeks of paperwork with the Social Security office? When I got home from the hospital my mother was there to take care of me. She came with armfuls of little boy sleepers. What a blessing! A girlfriend dropped off a tub and a bouncer for me to borrow. Cade slept in that bouncer until we left for Virginia, it was a life saver. As soon as he was home, all I wanted to do was hold him. I did go back to my classes (though a lot less focused and settled on Bs instead of As for a good portion of them) a week after having him (my English class gave me a standing ovation when I arrived--- it was so embarrassing) and he proved to be a very easy going guy with Kyle and I's routine. He traveled well and I got to spend the summer free from the stresses of school while Kyle worked his long hours. I kept busy, working on projects that summer , snuggled Cade lots and found a happy balance. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Funny how quickly that happens.



Savannah's story is a little more romantic, and predictable . She was a planned pregnancy. It was miserable, but I half expected it to be that way, which helped. We had just moved into our cozy little cape cod in the suburbs of Chicago during my first trimester. Being so sick prevented me from doing much in the form of unpacking and settling, much less setting up a nursery, but she did have a crib and this time I decided a changing table was a must. How I survived Cade's first 2 years without one, I'll never know. Even though the changing table didn't get set up until a few hours before I came home from the hospital with Sav, at least it was up! This time we (or was it I?) decided to find out what we were having, so on a trip to Utah, we went to Jennie, the fabulous ultrasound technician, and she predicted a baby girl. I discovered this wonderful school in the town over that hosted a "yard sale" twice annually and scored on all things baby for very inexpensive--- clothing, a double stroller, and a high chair. With a few days before delivery, my sister Melody came to visit and put me in shock and awe at everything "most people do" in preparation for baby. She washed all the baby clothes, organized them, made me like 8 frozen meals to put out in my freezer.... I felt kind of silly. I guess I had never really known what it was like to "prepare for a baby" for some reason. I was just young, naive, and focused so much on enduring the misery I was feeling rather than think ahead.
When Savvy was born, it was a lot less shocking, an entirely calm and wonderful experience and the second she was placed on my chest, and I had a glimpse of why my Relief Society president gave birth to a dozen children. Her induction was planned, and I got my epidural before I even felt a single painful contraction. She came out in two pushes and it was love at first sight. The nursery didn't really get "finished" until Savvy was 6 months old, but at that point we realized she was best off sleeping in the laundry room where it was dark and closed off. I felt a huge accomplishment was having Cade's room all ready for him before the baby was born. That was important to me.



As I think back to both stories, I could see it as "it wasn't how it's supposed to be." Our lives haven't followed what some may view as the American dream: Being done with school, exploring our careers, having been married a few years and traveling the world. We hadn't bought our "we'll be here forever" house and been settled for a couple years before seeing the two pink lines on the stick. I didn't get professional pictures of me with my adorable little baby bump, I didn't blog every week or even month on the progress of my baby and gush over the emotional bonds I felt with my children. I didn't have a photographer at the hospital to document my labor story, I didn't get professional pictures of my babies taken within their first week of life, I didn't have their rooms all up and adorable, heavens, I didn't even have my own home in order when our babies were born. I didn't have all the gadgets, and gizmos (not even a Bumbo chair---gasp!), or have my mom stay with me for 3 weeks after the baby was born to dote on my every need. I didn't have......

Okay...really.

Did my children survive? Yes! Did I survive? Yes? Will they care that I didn't document every moment of their lives? I hope not. :) I bet my parents watch as each of us have our children and chuckle at the silly things we fret over. There's was the era that a drawer suited the baby just fine. Who needed a bassinet, port-o-crib or swing? Heavens, what was a car seat? For the record, I do believe in car seats. Very strongly. I do know what's important. To me, to the baby, and to our family. The rest is just extras. Nothing can ever be exactly how we picture it, but really, it's all very beautiful. Our first baby was a raw episode where youth and inexperience meets a miracle. The second was an improvement of the first, yet we were still young and learning, but fortunately able to appreciate the miracle of life a little earlier (not being in denial about a baby was much more enjoyable, although I was sicker with Sav).

And this third one? Well, it has kind of been a combination of the two. She was planned, but when she actually made her presence known, it was very unexpected, because she took so much longer to get here. We moved into this home in my first trimester, and there is still so much unpacking and organizing to get done, so I do still feel like I am giving birth in a somewhat chaotic environment much like the other two. However, I have learned if my kids are situated happily in their spaces, I feel better about things. So Sav has been moved to her big girl room, and Cade's room is finished. The nursery is pretty bare, but the essentials are there. I have a crib up, and am using Cade's old dresser as a changing table and it works great. I even have a glider. I sometimes just sit in it and rock and try and imagine my life with three children. I have forgone the entire "travel system" stroller idea and am content with my little Graco Snap N Go. I took the bin of little girl clothes my sis dropped off several months ago when her newborn had grown out of stuff and washed them last night... I am learning! I plan to be induced, and hope it all goes my way. ( I have since discovered about myself that surprises really aren't my thing). I'm crossing my fingers I'll arrive August 18th at the hospital and have a very pleasant birthing experience like the other two.

The kids are having fun watching the slow transformation of a home when one is preparing for baby and they are excited. I think they are the ones that bring me the most joy about having this baby. Having children anxiously waiting the arrival of their little sister is priceless. Every day they ask if today is the day, or if it's still "a lot of days away". I love it.

So as the cliche goes...."Life doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful" --- oh how far from perfect our lives have been, and how beautiful all of it is.