Woe is me...

(this was written February 1, 2010)

Before I became pregnant, I vowed to myself that I would not drop off the face of the earth when I did get pregnant. I would not let the world revolve around me. I would not morph into a homely lump wishing the days away because I was feeling so miserable.

Yet here I am. Dangling by a few threads from planet earth. The world in this home pretty much revolves around me. I am indeed a homely lump and I wish days away more than I ever care to admit.

How has it affected the kids? Well, here are a few examples:

After a puking session in the bathroom I found Cade crying in the corner on his knees.

Me: What are you doing, honey?
Cade: I'm praying to God that you don't die.
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One evening I told Savannah to sit on my lap and I'd read her some stories. Her response? Are you gonna frow up on me, Momma?
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Knelt in Savannah's room for family prayer, Cade volunteered and began to utter the fastest prayer I've ever head. When he finished, I asked why he rushed through so quickly. His response: 'Cause you're probably going to throw up soon and I wanted you to hear all of the prayer.

Oh these poor children.

My house is a wreck. A good portion of the reason I haven't made an effort to get a babysitter and go out with my husband is because it is such a disaster and I would be mortified for anyone to see what we are living in. The remaining portion is because I just feel so sick the idea of going out sounds awful. My family is lucky to get clean clothes to wear out of the laundry baskets. Gone are the days in which I sit and fold the fresh clean clothes from the dryer. Six days out of the week I am wearing sweats or my PJs from the night before. I can't remember the last meal I cooked for my family. I now dread the day I go in and volunteer in Cade's classroom because the kids smell stinky to me and I want to throw up everytime I go in there.

Today I forgot (again) it was early out day, and Cade was late to school. I am turning into that irresponsible, forgetful and absentminded mother. You know, the woman with the children people feel sorry for because she can't keep anything straight.

I really loathe the person I am right now. It's really frustrating. I am a mother, but I'm not doing what a mother does. A mother is supposed to rise before her kids, cheerfully hug them when they wake from their sleep, have a host of wonderful activities planned to engage in for the day, be punctual in dropping them off and picking them up, arrange playdates, cook delicious, wholesome meals, clean, do laundry, be organized, and mostly simply and importantly -- be there for her children. And even if she slips up here and there, she picks right up the next day and gives it another shot. I am far from there. It seems like it will be months before I can attempt to even be half the mother I was before this. I want to cry the mornings Kyle leaves and I have to face the day without his help. Sometimes I do.

Nights are the most difficult for me. It's hard to fall asleep, although my body is just aching for sleep every night. I want it so bad, but night is usually when I feel the sickest and require the most concentration to not throw up. I usually do throw up in a moment of weakness, when I've focused more on trying to sleep than to keep my food down. I then have to go downstairs and find something to eat if I want to sleep, because 10 times out of 10, I will throw up on an empty stomach. Sometimes after I've eaten after throwing up, I throw that up, too. And then I just give up and stay in bed because I am so tired. I am soon awaken by the wrath of an angry stomach and the bile left in me is purged out. It's so gross and it burns my throat. When I do finally fall asleep on a non-empty stomach, (though it's never full) it rarely feels restful, because my dreams are so vivid.

The dreams at night are getting strange. One night I dreamt that all my teeth fell out, which is quite fitting because I've been so worried lately about all the juice and soda I've been drinking. Though I thirst desperately for it, water is the hardest liquid on my stomach. Between all the soda, juice and the acid from the puking, I just know I am rotting my teeth out. In my dream I woke up to find all of my teeth on my pillow.. Naturally I was horrified and I called a dentist and made an appointment right away. When I arrived, it turned out my dentist wanted to teach me how to swim at a swimming pool at her office rather than fix my teeth. I was rather irritated because I already knew how to swim. I woke up feeling quite frustrated with the world.

Another night I dreamt Nie Nie and I were sitting in her family room, talking about our current trials. I whined, "I don't do anything for my family anymore. I just lie around and wait to get better while my husband does everything around here. It's so frustrating!"

Stephanie responded with a knowing nod and said, "I know. Same for me. Life goes on while I heal and I can't do those things for my children that I so cherished when I was well. But we have to take care of our bodies and let them rest, so when they are well, we can do what we miss so much." It seemed so real and when I woke up, it took a minute for me to decipher if that really happened. There was much truth in what she said. It really is amazing how people can touch our lives and share poetic advice and they don't even know they are doing it.

I do have good moments and I even had two good days in Virginia while away. Good, meaning I didn't throw up. I certainly felt like I was going to throw up, didn't have much energy, and just felt generally blech. But I didn't throw up. Two days! Not in a row of course, but 2 days out of a 5 day vacation I will certainly be grateful for.

My children are accutely aware of my condition. When I picked Savannah up from nursery on Sunday she held up a little book she made and squealed, "Mom, look! I colored you a picture so you don't throw up!" So precious. Cade would have a friend over to play every day if he could. Some days when he gets home from school he'll say, "Mom! Can I invite a friend over to play? Oh yah. Dad's not here, and you're sick. Maybe tomorrow." And then he'll go play with his legos or color contendedly. It's really heartwarming to see him deal with our new life with such understanding beyond his years.

Usually by now I have some great epiphanic thought to tie this all up and make it a teaching moment and share what a better person I am because of this. Not today. Today I just wallow and have nothing to offer but this pity party. My apologies.