still me

I knew when we moved to Idaho for these 2.75 months my life would be simplified. For starters, my circle of friends here is much smaller. In fact, there aren't even enough to form a circle. My responsibilities to my ward, the community, and other organizations all vanished from my plate. No home showings to stress about (translation: Total slackation on my housekeeping). It has been a while since my life has been this way and I promised to myself I would enjoy and make the most of every minute of this new, yet temporary life.

Lots of traveling took place during this little window. I went to New York City with a girlfriend, visited my Grandma in Idaho Falls a couple times, and made it down to see my family and friends a couple of times, too. We just finished a weekend by Robie Creek with Kyle's family as well. My children have been able to spend a lot of time with their cousins, grandparents and great grandparents. That is priceless. I also was able to spend time on the relationships important to me as well.

I've also managed to hit the slopes 4 times and have been training for a half marathon (started as a full marathon, but couldn't hack the full thing). I've read some wonderful books, and delved deeper into the scriptures. I've spent wonderful days with my children at the park, unstrained by a schedule.

It's bittersweet for this "simple" time in my life to be over. Today as I reflect on Easter, my relationship with the Savior, and all that He sacrificed for me, I realize why it feels more bitter than sweet to be parting with the simple life. I had higher expectations for myself. I really wanted to transform myself into someone new during this time. I built upon my relationships with friends and family, formed a few good habits, but I guess I thought come mid-April, I would look in the mirror and see a new me.

But I'm still me. I still hate rising early. I still don't like cooking. I still procrastinate. I still speak before I think. I still stay up way too late. I still lack patience. And a lot of other things, but I'd rather not dwell on all of my shortcomings. :)

I think about the Savior and all he was able to accomplish in his short life, and I am humbled. I am reminded that in every moment of his life He was teaching, giving, and sacrificing. I realize the best way to transorm ourselves, is to give of ourselves. We don't need a vacation from our busy lives to develop all the perfect traits we desire to have. In our everyday, stressful lives, that is when our true character shines and that is when we are truly tested. I suppose that is why I feel that twinge of disappointment in myself. When I've had more time-consuming callings in the church, I found it was so much easier to serve others. It came so natural. The opportunities knocked at my door. Being here I've certainly been selfish. I wouldn't trade the sweet quiet moments I've shared with my children, the time with my dear family and cherished friends. But I would have worked harder to emulate the Lord and sacrificed more of myself. In the end, we always feel better about ourselves when we lose ourselves in work that benefits others.

Thank goodness for tomorrows.